MINNIE AT THE SKATING RINK
A monologue by Walter
Ben Hare
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NOTE: This monologue is reprinted
from Readings and Monologues À La Mode. Walter
Ben Hare. Minneapolis: T.S. Denison & Co., 1921. |
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- MINNIE: [Hobbles in, limping grotesquely] Oh,
is that you, Marie? [Groan] I'm glad you came over to
see me, 'cause I'm most dead. I ain't been behind my counter
fer five days now, and day before yesterday I was in bed with
my nerves. Honest, I thought I'd had a stroke. [Pause]
I look bad? Say, you orter seen me Monday morning. My nose puffed
up like a apple dumpling, both eyes swelled green, like I'd been
in a prize fight, a lump on me head like a waste basket, to say
nothing of bruises infernal. Am I well? Far be it from such.
Huh? I said I had bruises infernal, that's what the doctor said.
Oh, ain't you cute! Infernal means the lower regions, does it?
I guess I know that, that's where them bruises are at. Did I
git run into by a ottymobile? I did not! Ner a streetcar, neither.
I been learning to skate on roller skates. And never agin fer
Minnie, never no more! Roller skates? I'm off'n 'em fer life.
You know Grady--that's my new fi-nan-say--he's just clean dippy
about exercise and sports. He does stunts at the gym and takes
the Physical Magazine, 'n ever'thing. He said roller skates had
him going, so I fell fer 'em against my will. He said it was
just as easy as anything, if you knew how. The heard part is
learning to know how. He wanted to take me to the rink Sunday
night, an' I didn't wanta show my ignorance before the whole
gang, so over I goes Sunday afternoon to take a few hours' lessons
on the quiet. Quiet, did I say? It was a scream. When I went
into the place I saw the instructor skating around the rink by
himself, and sometimes he skated with only one foot. One foot,
Marie! It looked easy to me and I thought in ten minutes I'd
be doing the same, but I didn't. Far be it from such. I told
him what I wanted and he gave me a pair of skates. I sat down
and he put them on for me, and just then he was called away to
see another girl who had just come in. She'd already had four
lessons, but even at that, she was wobbly. You'd orter saw her,
Marie. She weighed 250, if she weighed an ounce, and when she
skated--it was like a feather bed out on the clothes-line in
a thunderstorm. I kept saying in my mind, "Min, go on and
skate, you kin do it, you kin do it, go on and skate, you kin,
you kin!" So I stood up as brave as Casey the cop,
but I sat down as quick as I stood up. Woof, and both my feet
went out, like that. [Gesture] Did I fall to the floor?
Well, I fell. I think the floor was there; if it hadn't a been
I'd gone on through to the cellar. I saw stars from the skies
that I never knew was there. I loosened all the bridge work in
my upper jaw, and if ever a girl had discussion of the spine,
I was that lady. I was so dazed I just sat there on the floor
for five minutes and collected myself. Then I tried to get up.
[Pause] Did I do it gracefully? Far be it from such. I
just couldn't make my feet behave; each one wanted to go--but
they didn't want to go in the same direction. I tried to crawl
for my chair but just then that feather bed lady came floating
by me like a fairy. I knew she was going to hit me--and she knew
it--but what could we do about it? Blooey! It was some spill.
The instructor rushed up and assisted me to my chair, then he
started out with me and we got along fine--as long as he held
me up. Oh, of course I ran into things. Whenever I'd get to going
good I had to take my choice of hitting the wall standing up,
or hitting the floor sitting down. By that time the room was
full of skaters. I ran right into people that I didn't care to
meet, at all. Sometimes they weren't in my set, but we both set
together. Then the instructor came over again and said to me:
"You're getting it down all right!" I told him to mind
his own business. Then a nice-looking fat man and I skated along
together. Neither one of us intended to skate together, we just
couldn't help ourselves. Every time we'd meet we'd both turn
out for each other at the same side. Then my feet went backward
and I went forward. I thought the heavens had busted and hailstones
of fire were raining in on me. That was the end. They had to
carry me to a taxi and send me home. And I've been home ever
since. No, thanks, Marie, I won't sit down. I prefer standing,
if it's all the same to you. It's much more comfortable for me.
No more skating for me, even if I lose Grady. It's easy enough
to get a new fin-an-say, but no more roller skates for Minnie.
Exercise? Far be it from such!
MORE
MONOLOGUES BY WALTER BEN HARE |
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