MRS. GILHOOLEY'S BUNGALOO
A monologue by Walter
Ben Hare
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NOTE: This monologue is reprinted
from Bran' New Monologues. Walter Ben Hare. Boston: Walter
H. Baker & Co., 1920. |
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MRS. GILHOOLEY: Have yeez heard about me good fortune?
Ould Mrs. Pinnymint doied, she did, and what do ye think?--She
lift me a furnished bungaloo in her will. Oi been her cook fer
twinty years and she had so much money she didn't know who to
lave it all to. She lift Dinnis the coachman a bungaloo, and
she lift Nora the housemaid a bungaloo, and she lift me a furnished
bungaloo. Foive rooms it had, and ivery wan of thim furnished.
Whin Oi heard of me good fortune Oi took the strate car and wint
out to look at me bungaloo. Oh, it was a lovely house, all riddy
fer me to move into, wid the pots and the pans and the sheets
and the pillow-cases, and the chairs and tables and aven a pianny
in the front room and a bird cage in the windy. And what do ye
think Oi found in the cellar? One dozen bottles of champagney
water, all corked up toight and covered wid spider's webs. Oi
knew well that Oi'd be arristed under the bone-dry law if they
found me wid the champagney water in me possession and it nearly
broke me heart to have to throw it away. But law is law, so Oi
sated meself in the kitchen, havin' pulled all the curtains doon,
and decided to put timptation out of me path foriver. Oi pulled
the cark from wan bottle and it exploded like dynamite, but Oi
turned it upside down in the sink and emptied all its contints,
all except a small wine-glass full which Oi drank. Thin Oi pulled
the cark from another bottle and it exploded like dynamite, but
Oi turned it upside down in the sink and emptied all its contints,
all except a small wine-glass full which Oi drank. Oi thin pulled
the cark from another bottle and it exploded like dynamite, but
Oi emptied it upside down in the sink and turned all its contents
into a small wine-glass full which Oi drank. Oi thin pulled the
cark from another dynamite, and it exploded like a bottle, but
Oi emptied a small wine-glass full in the sink, and turned it
upside down whin Oi drank. Oi thin removed another sink--Oi mane--another
bottle from the cark--and Oi emptied it upside down into the
small wine-glass and it exploded like dynamite which I drank.
Oi thin pulled the sink from another cark--Oi mane Oi pulled
the bottle from the dynamite--and it exploded loike a sink into
a small wine-glass full which Oi drank. Oi thin drankled another
small copple--Oi mane Oi dunkled a tump from 'nother copple--you
say, me frind, Oi mane Oi drank another small dynamite--Oi cackled--Oi
mane Oi conckled--Oi mane the contints into the sink--or into
the dynamite--Oi mane into me, Oi pulled the cork. Well, onyhow,
Oi did it to all av thim twelve bottles. Be this toime the bottles
was all empty and Oi was full of dynamite. The kitchen range
began to dance forward and backward, and Oi stiddied the sink
wid wan hand and began to count the bottles wid the other. Be
this toime they was whirlin' rapidly round me. Oi counted twinty-sivin
out of the dozen. Thin Oi decided that Oi have to clane the cobwebses
off'n the bottles, but they was revolvin' round me loike a merry-go-round
at Cooney Island. Oi sat on the flure and counted sixty-four
av thim as they wint by. But by pritindin' indifference to thim
and springin' at thim as they wint by whin they was aff their
guard, Oi managed to capture all of thim, by their necks. Oi
placed them beside me on the flure and they immadiately began
bouncin' oop and down. Oi counted thim again as they performed
their evolutions. Two of thim Oi hild in me two hands and Oi
counted the others as they bounced. Would you belave it, at me
final count there was ninety five. Thin Oi wint to slape.
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MONOLOGUES BY WALTER BEN HARE |
