A monologue from the dialogues of Lucian

Adapted for the stage by Baudelaire Jones

  • NOTE: This monologue is reprinted with the author's permission. All inquiries should be directed to the author at: sandmaster@aol.com
  • ZEUS: You’re a meddling, mean-spirited old man, Eros, and you won’t get any mercy from me just because you have no beard or white hair! You were about to send me off to a tryst with death! That’s right, I know all about it! Prometheus spilled the beans on Thetis and the prophecy of Zeus’s doom! No woman’s worth that! Not to mention all the little pranks you’ve played over the years! Every time you send me down to Earth to have a little fun with some mortal, I have to change into a bull, a satyr, a swan, an eagle … I’m a one-man zoo! I’m surprised you haven’t had me turn into a bunny rabbit or a titmouse! Why can’t these women ever be in love with me? I am the ruler of Olympus, after all! Why do they always have to have some sort of animal fixation! Just once, I’d like to show up as myself—be appreciated for my own charms! I mean, what kind of woman does it with a swan?! As long as I’m honking and molting and flapping those ridiculous wings, she’s in heaven, but the second I show my true form, she nearly kills herself trying to escape! I don’t get it. Apollo doesn’t have this problem. Maybe it’s the hair.