MENAECHMI
A monologue from the
play by Titus
Maccius Plautus
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NOTE: This monologue is reprinted
from Plautus, vol. II. Trans. Paul Nixon. London: William
Heinemann, 1917. |
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MENAECHMUS: If you weren't mean, if you weren't stupid,
if you weren't a violent virago, what you see displeases your
husband would be displeasing to you, too. Now mark my words,
if you act like this toward me after today, you shall hie yourself
home to your father as a divorcee. Why, whenever I want to go
out, you catch hold of me, call me back, cross-question me as
to where I'm going, what I'm doing, what business I have in hand,
what I'm after, what I've got, what I did when I was out. I've
married a custom-house officer, judging from the way everything--all
I've done and am doing--must be declared. I've pampered you too
much; now then, I'll state my future policy. Inasmuch as I keep
you well provided with maids, food, woollen cloth, jewelry, coverlets,
purple dresses, and you lack for nothing, you will look out for
trouble if you're wise, and cease spying on your husband. [in
a lower tone as his wife goes back inside] And furthermore,
that you may not watch me for nothing, I'll reward your diligence
by taking a wench to dinner and inviting myself out somewhere.
Hurrah! By Jove, at last my lecture has driven her away! [looks
around] Where are your married gallants? Why don't they all
hurry up with gifts and congratulations for my valiant fight?
[showing a woman's mantle worn underneath his cloak] This
mantle I just now stole from my wife inside there, and [gleefully]
it's going to a wench. This is the way to do--to cheat a cunning
jailer in such clever style! I have taken booty from the enemy
without loss to my allies!
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MONOLOGUES BY PLAUTUS |
