A monologue from the play by Nick Zagone

  • NOTE: This monologue is reprinted with the author's permission. All inquiries should be directed to the author at:
  • (Lights up on a man in a bathrobe. He smokes a cigarette. He’s talking to something.)

    MAN: You are so stupid. Your brain is so small. You don’t even know what a brain is your brain is so small. You can’t even fathom what I’m saying right now your brain is so small. You’re small. You’re small and insignificant. If I threw you off this deck right now and your small brained little body splattered all over the pavement—no one would care. No one would so much as shed a tear. No one would even stop their car. They’d just drive right over you. Driving and driving, grounding your carcass day and night into the cement, mooshing your bones, crushing your skull until your small brained little insignificant body just turned—to dust. (pause) Tire after tire, pummeling and pounding, squishing and squashing—your kind die every day and no one so much as even blinks. You know why? Your brain is small. (pause) My brain? Big. My brain is bigger. I win. I will win every time. You know why? You don’t know why. You don’t even ask why. You don’t even know what why is! You know why? Because you have the brain the size of a grain of rice. You have the brain the size of a shriveled up raisin. Your brain is like the crusty M&M never found between the cushions of my couch. I’ve had boogers bigger than your brain. Your brain isn’t any bigger than an aspirin… an overcooked pea… a Cheerio… a grapenut. No. Smaller. Smaller than that. Microscopic. Athlete’s Foot fungus! I’ve picked wax balls out of my ear bigger than your brain. But you don’t care. You just look at me and pretend to listen. What am I saying? You can’t even pretend because pretending takes a brain. A human brain. And your brain is no bigger than the balls of lint I nonchalantly pick out of my navel during conversation without even thinking! Your brain is smaller than a typewriter key. Smaller than a small case letter. Smaller than a period. A half a period! A speck of ink! A grain of paper underneath the speck of ink. An atom! An electron! DNA! Infinity!

    WOMAN’S VOICE: Honey? Honey stop teasing the cat and come to bed. (Blackout)